The end is near....

My adventure is nearing the end so it's made me reflect a little on my time here.

There's very few people that would be given the opportunity that I was and I hope I've taken full advantage of it, I feel I have, the gut hanging over my jeans certainly says so. 

Before I arrived I was a little wary that my dry sarcasm may not mesh well with the Americans or neither my caution towards over friendliness but I'm glad to say I think I, and they, survived it without too much disappointment.

The trip has certainly opened my eyes to the wider world and what we have (and don't have) in England more so than the usual short holiday might do. I will admit as much as I'm eager to leave the cold shores of the UK's green land there is a certain something I love that I do believe (and hate to confess) I would miss. 

Although I have utterly lapped up every second of this adventure America is not for me for the long term. Why? Because I've just got on the scales.

I hope you've enjoyed reading my tales and maybe it's inspired you to go and visit some of the places I've mentioned. 

I'm back in cold and windy England now and I'm happy to say so far it's not as bad as I'd conjured up (yet to rain though, maybe ask me again after it does). 

I'm now on a strict diet in preparation for the next trip away! 

Go Britannia! 

P.S Once again I reiterate, DO NOT travel with British Airways!!!

Miami

Oh.

My.

Gosh.

I didn't think I'd find another American city that would give me the excited feeling that New York or Las Vegas did but I was wrong!

This is the place where the beautiful yanks come to catch some rays. Of course there is also the overly collagen injected and these vanity victims parade around with those who are clearly on the no carb, no wheat, no sugar, no dairy, nothing bigger than a pea diet. 

Considering it's in the same state as St Pete and the other easterly cities in Florida it is worlds apart! The residents and tourists here shimmy around wearing a full face of make up (including the guys) and look like they've just stepped off of the Roberto Cavalli cat walk. The restaurants along South Beach are dripping with contemporary decor with an art nouveau twist.

They've been restoring a lot of the 1920s architecture  recently after realising that pulling down the history of the town probably wasn't the wisest choice. They are doing it with class and it all compliments the area.

Driving in Miami though is not for the faint hearted. Most roads as you approach have a minimum of four lanes and the signage around isn't positioned in the most ideal places so do beware and do make sure you're not with anyone with a nervous disposition. The sights are awesome and there's no denying that there is a giant bucket load of cash in this city and they do not try to be modest about it.

I took the bridge (which this time was quite a pretty one) towards south beach and as you approach all you can see is the most opulent boats money can buy docked outside houses you could easily get lost in. 

Did you know a rapper named "Pitbull" is from Miami, there's a fact of the day for you.

One place I couldn't miss to see was Gianni Versace's house, even though I guess that is a tiny bit morbid! I didn't realise the house was literally bang on the main stripe of south beach, I had visions of it being tucked away on some nice secluded side street but nope; this guy obviously didn't mind people nosing in his front windows! It is beautiful and it's quite obvious that he stamped his unmistakable mark on it. 

After years of refusing to let people view the inside, saying that it wasn't respectful, they have succumbed to the dollar signs and are now allowing people to tour it. Now I'd love to say I've seen the ivory throne where Gianni parked his bum but I'm afraid to say that the thieving gits are charging $65 per person to go in!!! 

Anyway, after nearly falling over at the wispy model type telling me she wanted to rob me to view a few rooms we trundled off down towards the 11th Street Diner which is an institution on South Beach. See picture attached to realise why!

Miami isn't the place for a budget holiday, you won't find many hotels under £100 a night and there won't be many restaurants where you can go for less than £20 a head. But if you want to go somewhere to show off your latest Jimmy Choo's then this really is the place for you.

I will definitely be returning to Miami and sampling the nightlife sometime in the near future!!!

Word to the wise, if you expect to get out of Miami by car having never driven here before do not expect to do it promptly. Having driven in London for many years I thought I was pretty well equipped for such a challenge, wrong! I managed to get out of the main city well enough but as soon as I joined a 10 lane interstate the panic set in!! I came off and went back on 3 times before finally getting to the right lane. Next time I am getting a sat nav, my nerves can't take it!!!!

The reason for the exit was the hotel prices seeing as I'd spent the budget for a small country in Key West we headed up to Fort Lauderdale for a slightly (and I mean slightly) cheaper option.

Unfortunately due to it being the down season a hell of a lot of hotels in the area were closed for refits, 90 minutes later we eventually found a place to lay our heads for the evening. 

Seeing as Fort Lauderdale is a mere 30 minutes from Miami it's very different. Same beautiful views but if I hadn't known any different we could have been on a Spanish coastline. Guitar lead music blaring from restaurants and flamenco dancing in the streets. The only thing you probably wouldn't find on the streets of Spain would be a miniature poodle dressed in a pink hoody being walked down the street accompanied by an oversized man fashioning a Hawaiian shirt and plaid shorts.

Excellent food here though, which made a nice change! And if you do like you're American holidays with a touch of Mediterranean flavour this would make a perfect destination.

Bridges and more Bridges

A bridge is a structure built to span a gorge, valley, road, river or body of water, for the purpose of providing a passage over the obstacle. Designs of bridges will vary depending on the function of the bridge and the nature of the terrain where the bridge is constructed.

Bridges... the facts.

Bridges in the Keys; the most boring in the whole wide world. 

If you're an architect and given the opportunity to build a bridge in probably one of the most beautiful parts of the world, surrounded by crystal waters, stunning views and enough traffic for your pride and joy to be seen by 1000s of people per week you'd think they'd make it a touch more exciting than a block of concrete. Especially as there's blooming hundreds of the things!

Unfortunately not. It's a bit of a let down to be fair and an insult to natures successes around it. Shame on you Floridian architects!

Key West was about 50 miles on from Marathon so we set off about 9.30am to head down for the day there. It was one day before the biggest Halloween festival "Fantasy Fest" came to town so there was no way on earth we were getting a hotel in a 100 miles radius of it so had no choice but to get there early enough to see everything.

The Americans call Key West an historic town. In English terms this is a little bit of a farce as it only really dates back to the late 19th century. Before that there was very little here and only used as a fishing port for the native Indians and Spanish in some parts of the year. So don't expect to see anything resembling Stonehenge but more Millennium dome. 

There have been many fist fights over the ownership of the Keys over the years but the people that most left their mark were the Cubans. You can look up the history yourself if you want to delve deeper, it is pretty interesting! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/key_west

It's extremely popular for its size, an estimated 18,000 people pass through it every day! And seeing as only 25,000 live there that's a tad intrusive haha.

The buildings are beautiful and if you didn't know any better you wouldn't think you were in America, it's very unlike everywhere else. We stopped into the museum of art and history for a stroll round and they've added some really nice touches to it. As you go up stairs to each gallery the walls are lined with pictures of prominent(past and present) citizens. Those who have left their mark and done something for the good of the town. People given the honour include a shoe cobbler, a governor, President Truman, a local Key Lime Pie cook and Ernest Hemingway.

Mario Sanchez is one of the exhibits that stay in the Museum. He's this sweet little Cuban who carves street scenes into wood and then paints in the textures and colours with oils. No mean feat either as most of the figures are tiny! www.keywesthistory.org/artmariosanchez.html

Another exhibit was by J. Seward Johnson who creates life like bronze statues of iconic figures, some of which have a slight twist! http://www.sewardjohnson.com. His "Beyond the frame" series takes famous portraits by artists such as Da Vinci, Picasso etc and then makes them 3D adding in things that might have been just out of shot. Very provocative art!

Quite a novel thing about Key West - chickens, everywhere. They roam the streets where ever they please, chicks in tow. Aimlessly weaving in and out of restaurants with no one taking a blind bit of notice, not even the local cats!

As it really is a tourist hot spot you will be greeted by a sea of bum bags and gaudy T-shirts at every corner so this is not the place for the fashion conscious but it oozes individuality and charm.

There is plenty to see and do in Key West, 100s of gift shops, cafes and restaurants so you're best to turn up with an empty stomach and a bulging wallet!

After a few hours dodging the cruise ship occupants had become tiresome so we ducked back in the car and headed north to Key Largo!

We decided to stop there for the evening as the next stop was Miami and after the endurance testing road trip the day previously I feared a nervous brake down if I had spent another day in the car. 

There's not a whole lot in Key Largo, beautiful views of the ocean and I enjoyed a delightful sunset but other than that there really isn't a lot I can mention.

We stayed in the Marriott which was of the usual standard you would expect from this chain. The restaurant staff were excellent though, extremely friend and great fun!

Ended up going to bed pissed as a fart, I do love the beach bars here!!

Road Trip Continued....

After the gargantuan drive yesterday it was decided we'd stay put for the day and seeing as I've actually found paradise I had no arguments.

This place is an ideal holiday retreat, if you want pure luxury combined with your home comforts this is it. In the condo there's your own fully decked out kitchen with every mod con you might ever need. A TV in every room (not that you'll spend much time watching that) 3 bathrooms, a balcony, a porch which you can step down from and in 5 strides be in the pool. 

Seeing as I downed a bottle of red wine and went to bed late I awoke pretty early and toddled off down to the beach bar for breakfast. A bowl of granola with fresh fruit for me accompanied by panoramic views of the bay, heaven.

We'd timed this surprisingly well, even though its still 84 degrees this is their out of season time so we only had to share the pool with a rather large iguana. I'd never call a reptile cute usually but this one had mojo! He was at least 4 ft from head to tail and changed colours right in front of you as he bobbed his head which I'm sure is iguana for "Piss off this spot is mine"

I won't bore you with every detail of this day as it was extremely laid back, basics were; yummy tuna salad brought to me on my sun lounger by the beach, glass of wine in the whirl pool, dinner of the most delish paella with a side of an idyllic sunset and a few unwanted mozzie bites!

Road Trip!

The wondering stranger returns! 

In the last week I have covered over a thousand miles throughout Florida, from the North to the South, from the East to the West coasts. I've seen more tarmac than any human should but it was extremely worth it.

I rented a car last Tuesday and set out with the idea of heading down to Key West (which is a 7 hour drive from St Petersburg) and taking in the sights in between. People had given me pointers of places to stop at and I had 4 different maps to go by so I felt pretty confident I'd be able to make it there and back in one piece!

Leaving St Pete to join up with the main land Florida you head over the Skyline bridge which is a serious engineering success. Not only is it stunning but it spans the open waters for at least 3 miles going high enough to allow huge boats to pass underneath it. As you drive up the incline it almost feels like your ascending a theme park ride and as you reach the ridge there's going to be a 500 ft drop the other side. Slightly white knuckle but the views from the top are breath taking.

The first city I reached was Naples (they have a habit of nicking names over here) which is basically a town for the over 60s to retire to. It's pretty but there are much nicer places in Florida, I was quite happy for the stop to be a minimal one as there's nothing but strip malls and other average sights. The beach is pleasant but not a patch on Fort de Soto or even St Pete beach so I wouldn't recommend making this place a stop on any American travels (unless you have a blue rinse and a zimmer frame)

Naples was the only city we'd see for the next 4 hours so I stopped to fill up with gas (note me picking up the lingo) before we hit the Tamiami Trail. This road is basically the longest, straightest, flattest road I've ever seen. It runs through the everglades which dominate the centre of southern Florida and the only ones brave enough to live among it are the Native American Indians and a few unsociable hermits. 

The only stop here that I wanted to pull over for is the Big Cypress Gallery. www.clydebutcher.com

Clyde Butcher is a very famous photographer in the area who mainly focuses on capturing the beauty of nature all around him. He will stand waist deep in the swamps of the everglades (which are home to 1000s of alligators) waiting to grab the perfect shot. To be fair, he succeeds. They are like no other pictures I've ever seen. A full sized (10ft x 5ft) original will set you back anything between $5000 and $10,000. 

His wife is also a photographer but incorporates painting into her photos by touching them up with colours not 100% true to the original image but they give it a sense of fun and warmth that the black and white image would have lacked.

I did succumb to the gift shop and bought a few prints... copies, not originals and not bigger than me! And as I was leaving Clyde himself was walking in, not often you get to meet the artist eh? And to a true artist style he's odd, yet sweet, shy, yet extrovert, wears clothes that have quite obviously seen better days and fittingly has a very "swampy" look about him!

Anyway, onward bound as it was nearly 1pm and it could easily take another 5 hours to get somewhere suitable for the night!

The next 100 miles were the most boring 100 miles of my life. Bar a few Indian villages which look pretty interesting but you're not allowed in there is a big fat squat, zero, nilcho, nada. Water, reeds and dirt. By the time we approached the next town I almost felt like I was hallucinating a mirage, dreaming of buildings, wishing and hoping to see a glimmer of life and civilisation! 

If you ever take this trip make sure you have someone with you to play car games, not eye spy though because it will only last for 2 minutes.

A town was reached eventually which I believe was Coral Gables but once again nothing much to see so carried on southwards joining Highway 1 for the next 200 odd miles before we get to Key West.

As you're driving through some of these towns it's bleak, backwards and utterly bang on the generalisation we have of remote US cities. The motels are rented by the hour (enough said) the sheriff is on the corner of a street drinking coffee and eating doughnuts (I'm not joking). People that look like they haven't brushed their hair in months or are wearing a baseball cap that is fashioning a mud stained, beer odor and shape that can only be from it being sat on, by a big fat arse, everyday.

Safe to say I drove straight through these places.

The Keys are basically several small islands with mammoth bridges linking them (one is 7 miles long) that curve east to west on the base of the main land. Key West was the main settlement for Cuban refugees in the early 20th century so much of the architecture is influenced by them.

The main four are Key Largo, Islamorada, Marathon and Key West. After over 7 hours in the car I'm done, my foot is frozen in position so decide to stop in Marathon for the night. We past many, MANY motels that looked like you'd have a side of fleas with your bedding, a shit stain in your sink and a tub of herpes to go but finally I spotted a place called "Tranquility Bay" and surely with a name like that you can't go wrong??

Noooooope, check this baby out! www.tranquilitybay.com. I thought I had died and gone to heaven, seriously. I've never been so please to get somewhere in all my life.

The private condo was gorgeous, the setting was paradise and the huge glass of wine they brought me was the cherry on the cake. The plan was to stay here one night but fuck that, I'm moving in!!!!

Kelly and the Waves

I got up on Saturday morning at 7.00am, an unearthly hour after you've consumed abundant amounts of alcohol the night before! I didn't mind that much though seeing as today was the day I was going sea fishing, wwwhhhooopppp!

I did this last time I was out here four or five years ago and it is the most fun ever, unless you're a vegan probably. I was going with my friends John, Teri and Teri's brother Joe on John's boat "Lil Smokey" which is probably 30ft long and has a bedroom and loo in the hull... niiiice!

On our way down to the docks we stopped off to fill it up with fuel and to grab some sandwiches to keep us going later on. Their choice was Subways. Now I can't say I've ever been a fan of this place, this pictures of the food look ruddy hanging but it was this or a raw, probably still flapping, fish so I ordered what I thought would be the safest bet; Ham and Tomato. Unfortunately as the sandwich maker seemed more occupied with my hair colour and the fact it was "Hot" I ended up with Ham, lettuce, some goo and cucumber.... close enough I guess and hey, I was "Hot" in the eyes of a spotty, tattooed teen.

As you drive down the Pinellas Byway it splits so there's a meridian in the middle, it's quite obvious, even for an idiot Brit, to see which way you should be driving down as there's plenty of signs telling you "Wrong Way" "Turn Around (you prat)" But for some unknown reason a guy in a huge red truck decided not to read these signs and was hammering down the wrong side of the road towards us. There was a little part of me that was a tiny bit smug at this point thinking "Even I haven't done that"

As it was a beautiful day the launching bays and the dock were a little busy, lots of families taking their boats for a day out on the water. Children with life jackets on that were so huge they could barely move... at least they won't sink though eh?

Eventually we set off out into the bay first before hitting the open water. Now my track record with choppy seas aren't the greatest. I have spent many hours on boats hanging my head into a bucket turning the lighter shade of pale but thankfully I'd skipped breakfast on purpose so the huge waves we were now crashing down on weren't causing the vomit to start burning my throat. Instead they were bouncing me from my seat and crashing me down onto my arse, I am now the proud owner of a butt bruise.

As none of us could stay on our feet for too long we headed back in shore a little to try our luck there. It wasn't too long before some huge beast was trying to pull me into the water! I must have battled for 10 minutes before yanking the blighter close enough to the boat to see what it was. I had visions of it being a 12ft long kingfisher grappling at the bait, jumping out of the water and trying to bite my head off as I bravely won the fight to bring it on board. To my disappointment it was a 1ft spanish mackerel that probably weight about 2lbs. None the less though, mine was the first catch of the day but for the remainder of the trip I stayed tight lipped on what I thought it was before I pulled it out of the water, less humiliation that way hey.

I forgot to pack my camera today so I'm sorry to I have no wildlife pictures to show you but we saw a few sea turtles out there and some dolphins that followed the boat along for a good mile which was stunning. There's definitely a sense of sheer relaxation about being on a boat, we'd packed beer and food as well as some nice music to kill to, it really couldn't have been anymore perfect. Certainly beats trout fishing by a lake in England I can tell ya. 

Being out here, being able to do things like this and realising people that live here get to do this stuff whenever they want really gives me pangs of jealousy. I've said recently I couldn't live in America but from what I've done and seen over the last day or two is beginning to swing me in the other direction. Maybe I could find a niche here for me, my high fives are certainly coming along nicely so maybe I could live this side of the pond?

Liberation and high fives

A few days on and a few more adventures have been happening! I've been spending some hours at the beach to notch up the old tanning time as it's clearly my last chance this year. The beach I've been going to is Fort de Soto which was voted as the number one beach in the whole of America last year and still remains the best beach in Florida.

It's not at all touristy, probably because it's quite a way out so you have to have a car to get to it. There's no sun loungers, no bars except one cafe on the whole stretch but luckily this all means that in the week this beach is so quiet it's practically your very own private relaxation zone.

On Friday I got there about 11am, found my spot and laid back to soak up the rays. I'd brought a picnic of jam sandwiches, beer and nachos... a clear winning combo so I was set for a number of hours. The only things I shared the beach with was some seagulls that instantly now when there's food in a 50 mile radius, some pelicans which never left the jurassic period and some geriatrics that make up this part of St Pete. All in all, a perfect morning and one I can most certainly get used to.

After I got back from cooking myself on both sides I decided that I wanted to go out for dinner on my own. There's a bit of a stigma attached to solo dining I guess, the 'billy no mates' theory where no one likes the whole place staring at them wondering why they have no one to at least break some bread with. But seeing as everyone I'm hanging about with just go to places that sell burgers and fries I wanted to go and have a balanced meal out for the first time in nearly 3 weeks.

As the nights are closing in now I planned to park in the multi story near where the restaurant I picked was so I didn't have to walk around the town in the dark on my own, it looked pretty easy to find on the map so best foot on the peddle and I was off.

In the centre of St Pete some 'know it all' decided it was a great idea to put loads of one way systems in to reduce traffic flow. What it has done instead has taken a 2 minute journey and multiplied it into a 25 minute journey with a few near death experiences thrown in for good measure. I must have circled the block I needed to get to 50 times before I managed to get into the garage. Up and down, back and forth, ran a few stop signs because I was looking at the map not the road and I almost ended up back at the house before I managed to park the fricking car. I left the house at 6.00pm, I parked the car at 7.05pm.... It's two miles from where I'm living, now you tell me if that's a good road system.

The restaurant I'd picked was an Italian in the Baywalk, nice Mediterranean menu, good decor and the token mood music in the background. I'd come armed with the solo diner's weapons; a book and my course work so I wasn't going to be pitied that much, well at least I wouldn't be so aware of it anyway.

When you utter the words "Just for one" you get a look, slight shock, slight concern, slight intrigue. People automatically want to know how you've got the balls to eat alone. I really don't see the big deal to be fair, why shouldn't it be ok to go and enjoy some nice food with just yourself for company?

I ordered Mussels in a white wine sauce to start and seafood linguine for my main course and a glass of merlot. All was going well so far and to be very honest, I was really enjoying it. I did have some reservations, thinking I'd feel awkward or throw the food down my throat to get out of there quickly. But it gave me a real sense of independence, bizarre as I've eaten out on my own before but here it just felt a little different.

I chatted with my waiter for a while but he was kind enough to give me the space to enjoy my alone time and there was only one waiter that kept staring at me with a look of shock and curiosity on his face, even when I smiled at him he continued to just look at me like I was an exhibit.

When I was half way through my main course a business type gent walked in on his own too and sat on a table opposite me. I think there was a moment where he thought to ask if he could join me and at the same moment the linguine splashed up in my face giving me a line of tomato sauce down my nose so I think he thought better of it. We did chat a little though and he gave me some tips of bars to go to if I fancied a drink afterwards, he then giggled...a man of middle aged giggled at me. As you can probably guess I decline the offer and continued to spatter myself with my food.

I came back that night feeling quite accomplished, not that it was a very adventurous thing to do but all the same I felt like it was!

On Friday I'd been invited out to a sports bar and a street party that happens once every month in St Pete. They put on some music and the local bars set up tables and chairs in the street and offer 2-4-1 drinks all night so it seemed like a winner to me! Unfortunately as the Baseball team where playing that night and they are on a winning streak the town wasn't that busy to begin with so we headed into one of the bars to watch the game and grab some food.

It was the stereo typical sports bar, loads of TVs, pool tables, red and white checkered table cloths, waitresses in short tops and barely there skirts but it had a really nice feel to it and even some cowbell noises to add to the atmosphere, whoop. The team won that night so by around 10pm everyone was off their rockers, including the local governor (who is gay apparently and having a fake wedding to some rich bird someone whispered to me as if they'd be struck by lightening if anyone overheard).

There was a lady that joined us with the biggest hair I have ever seen, I swear if you were playing hide and seek that would be a great place to bury yourself into, no one would ever find you! She was from Texas and had the most annoying voice ever along with blood red lipstick so not only her voice offended me but the whole the noise was coming from too!

Other highlights of the night included: high fiving the whole bar when a home run was scored (I'm so down with it) seeing some tramps scrap over a bottle of beer and telling that governor he should get a Mohawk haircut.

Tomorrow I'm off fishing so up at the crack of dawn to catch my tea, can't wait!!!

Beer and Culture

Since we last spoke this is what's happened; I've been eaten alive, I've broken a TV, I've flirted with a guy who's got a 14 year old child, I've got insanely drunk and shaken my bootie with a gangsta.

Not bad for a few days work I think you'll agree!!

On Monday night I got to accompany some new friends to the Tampa Rays home coming celebrations. They'd won their division for the first time in eleven years so the local official types had organised a rally (party) to mark the occasion. 

As we approached the park where the shindigs were taking place all you could see for miles were mohawks (hair style of the team and even some women had had it done *gasp*) Rays T-shirts, Flags etc and all you could hear was those blasted cow bells. I have to admit though they really now how to show their appreciation and let their hair down! 

My ability to down pints of beer has come on no end since I've been here, I think I'd be able to tip a whole keg down my gullet now in once swift gulp. I did make the school girl error of not eating enough before I arrived so by the 3rd pint I was fricking hammered and whooping like an idiot and shaking my bootie with the local war lord!

Luckily Americans seem to love this and don't look at you with disgust as many Brits would so I camouflaged into the crowds quite nicely. The pinnacle of the night was the band they laid on; Survivor. Not know who they are? Let me refresh your memory... Eye of the tiger, it's the cream of the fight. Risin' up to the challenge of our rival. And the last known survivor stalks the prey in the night. And he's watching us all in the EYE OF THE TIGER!

Oh yeah baby, and did I sing it? Did I ever! Rocky moves n all. Awesome.

Annnnnnnyway, after that little incident we trundled off to a local beach bar for burgers and more beer as I plead with him upstairs not to let me make an utter show of myself in front of the hot man that was coming with us.

I'm glad to report I survived it, through the eye of the tiger, grrrrr. I even managed some class A flirting whilst keeping my dignity for once haha.

Enough of that, on with the culture bit...

Yesterday I decided I needed to do something educating so I jumped in my truck and headed off down to the Dali Museum. I absolutely love going to galleries, in probably a weird and geeky way. I could easily spend hours staring a paintings and sculptures learning about what f""ked up state of mind the artist was in when he decided to depict himself as a grasshopper. And Dali does not disappoint.

They've got a beautiful collection of his work, my favourite was The Hallucinogenic Toreador. You could look at this painting for a whole day and still miss things he's cleverly disguised within it. As always in his later work it features a picture of his wife Gala, as well as his own self portrait and images of his favourite sculpture "Venus de Milo". The colours he uses in this aren't that of what is popularly portrayed of his work. They are vibrant, almost neon and as always his work has a sense of being in 3D (I knew I should have brought my sexy blue and red lensed glasses)

There's a comic feel about Dali's work, like he's taking the piss a little with the world around him but when you look at them up close you can see he's not, that's just the way he is. There's obviously a lot of passion, thought and theory that goes into each one so if you get the chance to go to this museum or go to a local exhibit of his work, I totally recommend it.

Outside the Museum is an odd sight though. There's a sculpture of one of his famous skins of time but just behind this was a line up of blottoed tramps asleep on the grass. There must have been 20 of them all snuggled up to one another. I would have taken a picture to preserve this image but one of them was giving me this odd look and as I'd already spotted he had a hook for a hand I wasn't going to take any chances.

Last thing I will mention is another incident with the local wildlife, this time, mosquitoes. I usually don't get bitten by these, apparently if you drink enough beer the yeast in it that runs through your system wards them off but obviously despite all previous statements I'm not drinking enough! Over the past few nights they have bitten me 7 times around my ankles, once on my forearm and last night one cheeky, sexually harassing mosquito bit me on my arse, TWICE! 

So I sit here, tapping away on my key board perched on the edge of the seat, balancing on one cheek as it hurts to put weight on the other. I'm going out today to buy the most deadly bug spray known to man. Last year I massacred snails, this year the mozzies are going down!!!!!!

A whole new world

In the last few days I've come to realise that although the Brits and the Yanks speak the same language our worlds are polar opposites. Not just from the side of the road they drive on (I'll come back to that shortly) but from the food they eat, what the call things, how they pronounce things and how they interact with each other.

My trip here has become much more than just a holiday, it's now turned into a huge learning curve. 

I absolutely love driving but over here it has turned into a life or death experience for me! It's not only the fact I have to remember to drive on the right hand side of the road but to remember you can turn on a red light (realised this after a very pissed off truck drive honked at me so loudly I nearly choked on my haribo) and also if you miss your turn off it can take another 6 blocks before you can rectify your mistake thus leaving me totally disorientated and on the edge of panic.

When there's someone else in the car with me I'm fine but when I'm all alone the realisation that one false move and I'm head first into a truck the size of the house or pulled over by gun wielding state troopers begins to sink in.

I'm glad to report though I'm yet to kill anyone, be killed, or end up in the local jail but still, the opportunity is still up for grabs! I have found though that google earth is my saviour over here. Being able to visualise where I'm going helps loads so I do recommend it when you're driving in a country you have no clue about!

Another thing I've noticed that is totally different, and it surprised me, is their supermarkets and what they stock. They call things totally different names and everything comes in value packs or family sized portions! I have no idea how someone begins to shop healthily over here if they are like me, if it's in the house, I want to eat it... all.

They did have an "English" section at the supermarket though. Stocking Bovril, PG Tips, Bisto gravy and Yorkie bars. American's do have a very stereotypical view of us Brits, but I guess we do of them too. One person said to me the other night when we went out for dinner and I chose to have Fish and Chips, "Oh I didn't think you'd order that, do you not eat it all the time?" That baffled me for a second but then the penny dropped as I figured out they thought all English people eat all the time is Fish and Chips or Bangers and Mash!

I can confirm our stereotypical view of America, they don't half love their deep fried stuff! 

The fact that I'm eating enough for two super sized people has made me venture into getting some exercise over here. Di's left me her bike to use, which is very kind of course, so the other day I took my first trip out on it.

Near by where I'm staying there's a creek that has a path all the way round it and handy markers so you can tell how far you've gone and how much further you need to go to work off that extra large portion of fries you consumed last night. One sign that did slightly concern me was the "beware of the alligators" Ha! Jesus christ I'm going to be eaten alive! 

I took great care to keep one eye on the water and one eye on where I'm going and for quite a while I saw nothing and thought they were having me on. Until I turned a corner right by the children's, not gated, play area, this ruddy great thing popped its head above the water. Shit me sideways I nearly went head first over the handle bars, got my shorts caught in the peddle and lost my water bottle!

The creature seemed as stunned as I was and crashed back into the water to my relief but I wasn't taking any chances and pegged it round the corner to get away whilst being serenaded by a six year old's laughter... I am the peak of coolness. Not.

You do of course have to beware of the native wild life over here, there's snakes, alligators, great big spiders and cockroaches. One particular cockroach paid me a visit the other night. I was happily snoring away when I heard a bag rustling at the end of my bed. At first I thought nothing of it, presumed it was the air con firing up and blowing the bag but after the breeze stopped and the noise continued I turned the light on to take a look. If you're like me when you're woken up in pitch darkness your eyes take a little while to adjust so when I first took a peek it looked like a little lizard. A few of these have come in since I've been here, no biggy I can handle them. But as I got closer I saw it wasn't a cute little lizard but a ruddy great roach rattling around my room. Not a nice sight when you have no shoes on I can tell ya! I managed to get a glass over it and keep the vomit down that was circling my throat and got it out the house. Promptly slamming the door behind me, hopping back to my room and jumping back into bed. I didn't get a very sound sleep after that!!

Anyway, enough of the bug stories. My tan is coming along nicely and the autumn temperatures are beginning to kick in which now has it averaging at about 89 degrees a day... I nearly need to wear sleeves ;-)

I'm off out to a sushi bar tonight so I shall report back on whether or not I've got food poisoning in the next few days. I would say I'm missing England, but I'm not...

TTFN!!

One last thing, top news story today... Ben and Jerry's ice cream makers are toying with the idea of using nursing mothers milk to make their ice cream instead of cows milk because they think its healthier.... hahahahahaha. Coming to a store near you soon!

Howdy Y'all

I've been in Florida for over a week now and I feel fully engrossed in their day to day lives. So many people have taken me under their wing I'm ever so slightly suffocated but in a thankful, appreciating way. And I'm even beginning to deal with the lychee sweet friendliness. 

This week I've been taken out to dinner at Treasure Island Beach, Caddy's Bar was the location and what a location it is! Right on the beach front, strides away from the shore line and perfectly set up to catch every glimpse of the outstanding sunset. 

Only downside to the venue was its seemingly inability to sell anything that's not dipped in grease, fried in grease or comes with a side of grease. It did make me wonder how the ripped and toned men around me stayed that way if they were eating this stuff. They must get really hot and sweaty working all that off..... . . .    . .   .    ... ahem, sorry. What a lifestyle it would be though, to stroll down to a beach bar after work and watch the sunset with a cold beer in hand. Definitely getting me thinking.

My next mini adventure was my first baseball game. The local team here are the Rays, they've had a notorious losing streak for 11 seasons but by some miraculous change of luck they are now winning their division and fighting for a place in the play offs.

Their home is the Tropicana Stadium and it's fricking huge. Seats 30,000, fully enclosed and fully air conditioned, several levels, so many bars, food outlets, shops and god knows what else you could spend the whole day just walking around. 

The feel of the crowd is totally different to any sport I've ever seen in England. They aren't so blindly drunk you feel nervous around the supporters, they are head to toe in Rays clothes, earrings, cow bells, hats and some have even painted their faces. Everyone from the tiny toddlers to the doddering elders are here to cheer on their local team.

I had a seat up in the "nose bleed section" which is high up (so high I dare not lean forward at any point) but I can still see everything really clearly. Around the stadium there's video screens everywhere playing different visuals which they've cleverly produced and music is pumping out as the players run on to the pitch.

They all seem to have an fetish for the cowbell. Now I get the point of contraption, it's used to create atmosphere, draw the supporter into the game and let the players know they are behind them but my god they are ANNOYING. I swear I now have tinnitus thanks to those sodding little blue bells.

The basics to baseball is pretty similar to rounders. You have a pitcher that will try to make the batter miss, 3 strikes and they are out and if they throw 4 foul balls the batter gets a free run to first base. The batters aim is to hit it so far that they are able to run all the way around the bases and the fielders are there to prevent it. It's just a little more jazzed up and less girly than rounders.

The game is slow in comparison to football but it still has the edge of your seat excitement and less faked injuries although the players seem just as obsessed with their hair styles and looks. 

After about the 4th inning I was getting really into it, it may have helped that they serve beer in buckets but I'd like to think it was the drama of the occasion that had me whooping and clapping like a crazy person. 

The game took 4 hours to reach the final inning but I was never bored, one thing the Americans really have going for them is they really know how to have a good time. It can even make a stone face Brit let down her barriers long enough to loss a little inhibition. 

After the game we headed over to the local sports bar. Immediately as we walked in my eyes were on stalks, if a gal is looking to find a mate in Florida a place like is this a good way to start. I won't bore you with my hit list as I'm sure not everyone would enjoy me retelling the glorious sight of tall, dark and handsome strangers with their tight, tight shirts on but ladies, if you want to know (and want pictures) just give me a shout ;-)

That concluded my first outing at a ball game, two more days and I'm back for more!

Hello from sunny Florida!

I have finally arrived in sunny St Pete! The flight over from Washington wasn't too bad and thanks to the beauty of internal flights no more flashing at border control was in store. 

The heat pretty much knocked me sideways as we walked out of the airport. It always makes me a little excited when you feel the temperature of a hot country for the first time, as in England we're lucky if it gets over 19 degrees! 

I made my way to my home for the next 6 weeks, a pretty one story traditional Floridian house with 3 bedrooms and a tropical back yard. It's set in a sweet and quiet neighbourhood just off 9th Avenue in North St Petersburg. 

All the neighbours where invited over for a barbeque on my second night so I could get to know some of them and they could see who's hijacking their community! We made a stack load of food and went to the local cheap liquor store to stock up on booze. Everyone began piling in at 6pm and I've got to admit I found it a little overwhelming! They were literally lining up to be introduced and I'm not good with names at the best of times let alone 10 people's all at once!

They are a different kind of friendly over here, the English I think are typically cautious when meeting new people. They are friendly but always a little wary at first but Americans are full on inviting you to their weddings and son's barmitzvar before you got to shake their hands.

Although I began the night thinking I couldn't quite cope with the tooth rotting sweetness by the end of it I actually really enjoyed it. I met a guy who is a feature editor for the St Petersburg Times which was really interesting as well as a lad from Brighton who's married a Floridian.

One thing I will say though, these guys can eat! And drink! We made enough food to fed 50 and 20 people managed to polish it all off and I swear they drank a vineyard's annual yield!

The night ended with me having a pocket full of phone numbers and loads of invites to all different things, this time may well end up to be quite an eye opener...

11th September - These boots were made for walking.

Once again I awoke at an unearthly hour before the sun had even risen but surprisingly I was beginning to quite like it!

By 6am I headed off down to breakfast in the hotel restaurant. For $16 I could you can eat as much as you like of eggs, bacon, sausages, french toast, waffles, fried potatoes, tomatoes, spinach, beans, melon, apples, granola, 8 different cereals, muffins, banana bread, croissants, toast, yoghurt, you get the drift..

Walking 6 miles on a bloated belly is not a wise idea, believe me. I was burping on every 5th step and had stitch after 100m's but it was a nice sunny day and after yesterday a slightly slower paced stroll was a welcomed option.

Today I wandered down to the Lincoln Memorial, walking alongside the reflection pool looking up to the steps where people had watched Martin Luther King Jr make his famous "I have a dream speech" back in the 60s. 

The size of the Lincoln memorial is jaw dropping, the building is massive and the statue of Lincoln is so big I'm probably as tall as his big toe. After getting a neck strain trying to look at it all I headed back down the steps to the Vietnam Memorial, this one is a little eery. The bronze statues are so life like you almost think they will start moving towards you if you stare at them too long. 

As you have probably gathered there's memorials and monuments everywhere in this city and they are all presented in a very respectful way. I can imagine some of these being a great place for relatives to go and remember. One in particular was unveiled while I was there. 

The new memorial was opened for the 9/11 victims at the Pentagon. Although the area was only open to invited guests the feeling in the city that day was reflective. A lot of military men and woman were walking the streets, some roads where closed off and all flags were flying at half mast. I couldn't see the memorial up close but every local news channel had footage of it so if you're going anytime soon to Washington make sure you make the trip out of town to see it. 

I had to be up early to catch my flight to Florida so I headed back to the hotel to prop up the bar.

Final tips

1. Take comfy shoes with you.
2. Obey all the walk signs, cars do not stop for you.
3. They don't do 1/2 pint beers.
4. The scallops are the size of a small child's head.
5. The steaks are to die for.
6. Don't walk after an American style breakfast.
7. Be aware some Americans have difficulty understanding the British accent.
8. Always have you camera handy.

10 Sept - Time to explore.

Thanks to my body's inability to adjust to the time change I was wide awake well before the sun came up and ready to see some sights.

First stop was Starbucks for a latte and a piece of banana cake to stock up the tanks for some serious walking, map in hand I trudged off towards the US Capitol. The first thing I couldn't help but notice was the amount of joggers, they literally surrounded me as I walked down the Mall, there was even a couple who had to be over 100, seriously putting me with my large cup of caffeine and slab of lard to shame.

The lay out of the U.S' capital city takes many influences from the Roman elaborate architecture. Huge glistening white domes situated on top of massive white buildings with decorative columns supporting their enormous weight. All of the main iconic structures are finished off with life like marble or iron statues. 

Sitting on the wall of the Capitol you can see all the way down the Mall to the Washington monument and as I was up before the local wildlife (except the eager runners) I witnessed the sun rise to the west of the Mall creating quite beautiful shadows and illuminating all the museums on the east side.

Washington has the same mirage as New York and Vegas. Everything looks really close but it's not, at all. It took me at least 20 minutes to make it down to the Washington monument but it was time well spent psyching myself up to face my fear of heights and scale the 555ft of the tower to be able to witness the 360 views of the city.

I wasn't prepared to face another fear as I got there, geese. More evil, blood thirsty geese than I've ever seen before. The grass surrounding the monument was littered with 100s of Canadian geese, flapping and squealing. You may laugh but as a child I nearly lost my nose to one of these rodents and a finger nearly went to a swan so if these bastards turned now I could come home limbless!! To my relief a 5 year old girl was chasing and taunting them so at least they'd feast on her first and give me some time to peg it in the other direction.

Like a lot of things in Washington to go up the Monument is free. You're filed in by some park rangers (large rimmed hat - check) and squeezed into a lift. Heres a question - when a lift says "maximum load, 15 people" Is that 15 normal sized people or 15 super sized Americans? Because I weigh as much as a feather compared to what is all around me. 

Luckily the lift wires didn't snap and we scaled 555 feet in 70 seconds with our guide (who looked like Danny De Vito as the male stripper in Friends) mumbled facts so quickly you managed to only understand every 10th word.

If you do have vertigo and think you can face it the view from the top is massively worth it, on a clear day you can see for 100s of miles and its breath taking. I was quietly amazed at what I was seeing when this was all ruined after one of the super sizes let off the most foul smelling trumps, if you could bottle it they could use it for chemical war fare. I would have stayed longer but there's very little room at the top of the monument and no windows, no where for that poison to escape to!

As you descend back down the lift slows in some places and you can see large engraved stones they'd put into the tower dedicated to those who helped build it, at least that's what I gathered from Danny de Vito.

Next stop was to pop in on our pal George. Considering it's one of the most famous buildings in the world, it was quite disappointing. As we approached it from the Eclipse (large round piece of lawn basically) I lost it, couldn't see it anymore and became quite disorientated. This would never happen with Buck Palace. But luckily there was enough bomb barriers for me to follow to eventually get back on track and peer around the trees, through the metal gates and lay my eyes on a big white house. And that's it basically, you can't go in anymore because there's obviously the odd one or two people out there that might like to slap Bush on his toosh so all you get to see is the garden out the front and the snipers on the roof (if they are pointing at you, run. Can you imagine how boring that job is, they must be likely to snap at any point) So I took a few photos and made a quick get away.

By this time I'd worked off my banana cake and headed over to the financial district for some brunch and found a cafe that's meant to be a local haunt for the "Hill Workers" (those who work in Capitol Hill). The place was littered with cheesy pictures of all the local government officials and American flags. That's one thing I guess you'd never see in England. Can you imagine a restaurant putting pics of Gordon Brown and Maggie Thatcher on its walls to increase its custom? Haha, I think not.

After filling myself with ice tea and a BLT I trudged up towards Union Station which has got to be one of the most stunning train stations in the world. From the way it is laid out, to the way it's lit to even the engravings on the ceilings is amazing. I found a bar in the middle where I took a pew and just watched the world go by. Every type of person was there. Japanese tourists, uniformed Marines, Business men and women with more Louis V luggage than posh spice. Somewhere like this is a huge time waster, you could stay here all day just looking at people going about there business. Of course, like anywhere, there's a few odd balls. One old chap walking around with his stereo blaring out the god squad speeches and another lecturing people about the imminent end of the world, you gotta love America.

By this time I must have walked 10 miles altogether and my legs are beginning to ache so it was time to head back to my 70s chic hotel for a dip in the pool. A successful day I thought, I was ready for the next.

KDC does Washington DC - 9th Sept

Finally the day arrived where I got to leave the UK for more than the "blink and you miss it" 2 week holidays!

The first pit stop on "KDC does America" was Washington DC. I'd booked my flight for 11am, thinking this was a reasonable time but neglecting to remember that it took 2 hours to reach the airport and I needed to be there 3 hours before... nice one. Three large coffees later I set off for the airport in driving rain and sub zero temperatures, gosh I'm going to miss England.

Heathrow has now adopted the new age of electronic self check ins, which are meant to be idiot proof but they definitely aren't "4 hours sleep and high on expresso" proof. The usual time it takes people to conquer this technology is 5 minutes, it took me 15. Back. Of. The. Net.

Anyway, I managed it with only my self respect dented and hopped off to the duty free before having to leg it to the gate because I'd been sucked into trying every perfume so I could now board my 9 hour flight smelling like a £10 brothel.

British Airways, if you can avoid them do. The leg room is for dwarfs, the food is for those without taste buds and the toilets are for contortionists. But the movie selection is great, so if you are happy to keep your legs crossed and under your chin, starve and spend hours glued to watching the latest releases then you are onto a winning formula.

As we landed in Washington DC I must admit I began to brick it. As some of you may know due to a "technical difficulty" I had a touch of bother entering Las Vegas last year due to some punk putting someone else's fingerprint on my passport in New York. I got hauled off into a little room and treated to an interrogation by Nevada's finest. So as I'm entering the US capital I'm under the impression security will be on lock down and anyone that even has a funny squint is going to get arrested and sent home. 

I approached the immigration desk with trepidation and saw, to my relief, it was a young and quite attractive gent. As all self respecting woman would do, I hiked up my boobs, yanked down my top and swished my hair across my shoulders whilst smiling sweetly. I'm pleased to say the trusty formula worked a treat, I don't think he even looked at my passport.

After prostituting myself at customs I made it out of the airport to glorious sunshine, there's a lot to be said about the horrid weather in England, it really does make getting away from it so much sweeter. Taxi hailed and I was off to see George.

I expected driving into Washington DC to be like arriving into New York but I was hugely mistaken. Washington is surprisingly well spaced out, it doesn't feel over crowded and the buildings aren't so high that you literally have to bend over backwards to see it all. And its really really green.

The hotel, L'Enfant Plaza, was a kick back from the 70s on the outside. You know the type, concrete with an orange tinge, big brown windows and all corners. Beautiful inside though, very tastefully decorated for an American mainstream hotel. After checking in (my room is right by the pool) bed was calling so I washed of the smell of plane food and hit the pillow, tomorrow was going to be a long day!